The Story of Tobacco

When John arrived, he was an instant success, with a special taste and aroma. England saved Jamestown by becoming exportable; 1,613 Indians, for a time, accounted for the balance of trade.

Created from the Philip Morris USA website.

Coulterkampf #2

I am virtuous,
masculine, and constantly
molesting Afghans.

Major news: stuffing
top-secret undergarments
into my own pants.

Single biggest move:
I stunned the experts and chose
a sidekick blowhard.

I think it may have
been the Communist Party's
smoking-research group.

I didn’t want short
voters in my head in the
blow-dried pajamas.

A few moments of
chasing people around their
living rooms: progress.

Haiku created from Ann Coulter's December 29, 2004, column.

Pliable Pimpwear for Serious Fellows

Modernism delivered discreetly
brings value, value, value.
You will see a few
of Oprah's favorite things, Jack,
factory-direct. We dare you.

From the subject lines of spam received on or about January 3, 2005.

On Food and Cooking

Strange. He's just
not that into
your wife. I eat
pork chops, dress
against the fear
in the kitchen.

Created from the titles of Amazon.com's 25 most-wished-for books as of January 5, 2005.

A Short History

Show the people you meet daily the curious truth of Da Vinci, America, Shakespeare, Jesus guys. Fear presents the world with inaction, with a democracy of angels and demons. The approach to understanding heaven (the plot, the code, the science, the lore) became the world. How will I chronicle the zero tolerance, the excuses? When will nearly everything be complete?

Created from the titles of Amazon.com's 25 most-wished-for books as of January 5, 2005.